Ariadne's Essay Pages

HEART RENDING

by Lisa Morgenstern

I was stupid, I trusted you with my heart.
I told you all, kept nothing back,
Yet now that we are apart
I find you on another track.

You’ve come to me in times of need,
I helped you and I was your friend.
Now I find out about your deeds
Which show me you have changed your trend.

What once was true, I find is now false,
And your love for me was just a ruse,
Because right now my spirit calls
Out in pain and heavily accused.

I am but a pawn, I wanted to help,
I wanted to heal and teach you to grow,
Now I’ve been accused,
And hurt beyond my ability to know.
In another world I am,
Where there is no pain...

What was I thinking?
I was honest, I was open,
I thought you were, but trust is broken.
I find out later, you’ve betrayed me.
Run me down behind my back
yet smiled to me and shown no lack-
come to my house, and circled with me,
but shielded that part of you that hates me.
I could never do this, though,
I was surprised to hear that you hated me so.
Yet you never, ever, let me know.

Telling others seems to be
the way for you to get to me
You’ve found me out,
I am weak, because I am not meek;
I can be hurt, I can feel pain,
My heart is soft and mortally wounded.

I’ve been in a place where I put you first;
Before my family, my children, my husband;
Done what I could to help you grow,
What you’ve done to me? Well, you’ll never know.

I’ve tried to help, I’ve tried to forgive,
But now you seem you don’t want me to live.
I can do nothing but hurt you it seems,
Whatever I say, you think I’ve reamed
You out- though it’s really just my thinking about
What I’ve done, and working it out.

I need to learn from this I’m sure;
The Lady would not give me this to endure,
If I don’t learn from this mess,
I’m doomed to repeat it, so I must address
Myself to the issue, and put away my tissue;
Find a way to be strong and prevail,
Because I think you are waiting for me to fail.
I’m stronger than I think I am;
I’ve been through more,
And believe it or not, I’ve been here before.

A person I trusted left me once;
I would not let myself appear a dunce.
I’ve closed myself away from him,
Because I know his thoughts were grim;
He’s found a way to hurt me though,
Even though it might not show;
By hurting my children, he’s found a way;
To keep the knife twisting another day.
My children are stronger, and now they know,
They do not need his teaching to grow.

I am in a place of peace,
And I will pass beyond your need to feast
On your anger and bitter woes,
Because I love you, down to your toes.
I care what happens to you, you see,
No matter what you think of me.
I won’t stay angry, I won’t be mad,
Because I remember the times we’ve had.

And that was the best part, recalling your embrace,
As you learned to see the Lady in my face,
And in my husband’s face you saw,
The Lord of all, and the look of awe
When you Knew it was HE too,
The Mystery was something new,
And something old, which I gave to you,
Which can never be forgotten,
Never be lost.

Our love for one another is there,
In our circle without you we will continue,
Doing the Work the Gods require,
And keeping it alive, banking the fire
Of Tradition and our work
Will show that maybe I wasn’t a jerk
Because our parting was not good,
We shouldn’t foul our neighborhood.

With words that pain and hurt and accuse,
Because to others it only can amuse,
To make them laugh at all of us,
At you for believing and making a fuss,
At us for learning the Mystery,
And working the way we were taught to be.

In finding your center, it wasn’t for you,
You needn’t feel it was because of you.
The path we walk is not for all,
And some of the times we can fall
And need to have a hand
But we can’t help you if you won’t
Help yourself; you’ve missed the boat!

A victim you will always be;
Til you learn what came from me;
That you need to leave the anger behind;
And find out who you are, that is prime;
Your anger and pain
serves to hurt you again and again,
Find another way my friend,
To express your anger and make a new trend!

Leave off the public ridicule,
Because it gives them the power to rule
Your life and your path;
You can’t rid yourself of it like dirt in a bath;
It’s stuck to you, do the math.

Lies and untruth?
These things have power,
and you’re inviting them into your bower,
Remember to me the words you spake:
In perfect love and trust you did make;
An oath to be honest and true,
Now look what has happened to you.

Word and trust broken,
And other things that you treated like tokens,
Though they were important when new,
Now they can do nothing but hurt you.
Find your center, look within,
Because without you’ll never find it;
Remember the Goddess’s words are true;
Because I will always, always
Love you.

Sons and daughters of my heart,
It pains me that we’ve grown apart,
Though finding your own path is good,
People have told you things,
That have the truth that rings,
But not checking with the source,
Will mean that you cannot enforce,
The ways that we have come to know
The rains that come, the winds that blow,
The fire in our hearths, are not keeping us
from remembering our rebirth
Within a group, within our love,
Which came all around, and from above,
We had a good thing, it’s true,
And now you build your own, for you.

To help you if I will, I can,
And keep from hurting anyone again.
I’ve learned from all this, I know I have,
I just have to see the lesson
And the blessing
Of the Lady and the Lord,
Which will remind me
My work is not ignored.
I’ve worked so hard to grow and learn
And yet I feel I have to earn
Respect all over again
Because I’ve been maligned by friends.

What I know, I must keep close
Because my heart can be a noose.
When I let someone in,
They can then
Hurt me and hurt my friends
The people I love, and care about,
Would never have been so proud
I’d never shame them though I’m
Mortal and able to make mistakes,
Willing to apologize and
Make them know I truly cried,

I care about all you see, even those who really hate me.
The new folk who would have asked for help,
They cannot find it because my self
Has gone hiding these past few months
And may not return fully again
Until I feel I can be safe from the pain and the wrath.

When the people who wish for me to fail,
Have found dry, the karmic well,
They may yet find another guy
To pick on as they have me;
A scapegoat is what I am you see,
Until the others find someone new,
That’s all I am to they and you.

Permission granted to post this elsewhere, as long as authors are credited.
© 2003, Lisa Morgenstern

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